Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
