I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I can't turn off my feet"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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