So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
