He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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