Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
