in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
