I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
