Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
