She is in my trunk
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
