All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
