how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
