haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
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If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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