I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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