I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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