I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
