Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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