peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
