we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
