can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this just has baby written all over it
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
