two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
