i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
