I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
