I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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