I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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