new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
