Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
