i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
