He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
