Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
