Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
