My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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