my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
