Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
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I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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