i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
