It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
