I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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