god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
