BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
