I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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