EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
