: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
