the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
