Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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