Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
