Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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