I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
