All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
