My friends, they love my intelligence
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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