I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
