Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
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I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
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I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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