the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my shit smells like andre
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
