one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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