He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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