i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
