The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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