I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
