i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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