the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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