the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
